Three days.. the toughest three days I've ever gone through. By those times, I didn't care what anyone else thinks, I am explicitly sure, that I know I only have MYSELF for three momentary days. It has been like a lamentable, bad, rotten dream. From the days back I kept asking myself, is this life? is this me? for what am I here for? It feels as though i was having this constant intercommunication with my self, left me unanswered, left me unreciprocated..
I confronted a friend about this ideosyncratic thinking days back. He then agreed that once in a while this malfunctioning, that was the word he used, is but normal. He gave me an assurance that this radical phenomena is normally happening to every human kind. He sat me down and recommended me a book and told me that I had to make a commitment to doing something worthwhile, and to actually employ myself to read the book.
That being said, I read the book, I had a thorough reading, then had some reflections before embarking on the next chapter. I had so many questions raised right in the middle of my reading so as to think about uncertainties, the help that I would get, or will I be buoyant again, or will this experience be blithesome? It was all too distressing so i stopped reading it. So now I'm stuck with these unholy, riddling questions... who will help me? when will I get better? I just want this crappy, horrid thought out of my system.. I am starting to drain and I am hitting the rock bottom..swear.
There is a terrible conflict that is going on inside me now. I am not sure what is, but hell its killing me!! A big part of me is fighting to get better, and my brain is in a constant battle. I'm afraid that I might end up loosing all these high hopes that I have invested for years. The hope that will launch my pursuit. I think my friend was right at the very start. I miss the sparkling, self-assertive, spirited ME!! I just could never get beyond the belief that this JUST happens to everyone...
"" For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that outweighs them all..""
- 2 Corinthians 4:17
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